"If my face violently contorts and my head snaps to the side, don't worry... it's just my stomach medicine."

Had an appt with my gastro doc, who's a pretty impressive dude. He's helped nail down and guide me through a variety of gastro-ills that I've dealt with the greater part of my adult life. Today was essentially a follow-up. An issue that I've been dealing with that bothers me from time-to-time is nighttime regurgitation, especially after being a moron and eating late at night. Lindsay and I have done about all we can... well, let me put it a different way... LINDSAY has done about all SHE can to help remedy the situation (raising the head of the bed up, suggesting that I eat less at night; you know, all good wife stuff). I, being a moron, like to snack late. And I often pay for it. Of course having your esophageal valve essentially eroded away from years of torrid reflux due to a shortened torso from spinal fusion surgery (Thanks, Doc!! You're a GEM!!) can complicate matters, too.

Anyway, I tried a couple of things and they seem to be working (eating my bigger meal at lunch, eating smaller meals) but it's still not exactly cured yet. One thing we're discussing is a nissan fundoplication in which a "new" valve is essentially created by wrapping the stomach around the esophagus or wrapping the esophagus around the stomach (or is it something wrapped around them both?). It could be a very simple procedure, even done laparoscopically... or it might require more intensive surgery. I'm going to do a preliminary barium swallow this Friday, and hopefully see a surgeon for consult before I head back to work in August. I don't imagine that I'd do the surgery until next year, anyway.

But here's the kicker... and where the title of this entry fits in. My doctor begins telling me about this older medication that essentially helps to empty the stomach at a much more rapid pace. Sounds awesome, right? A quick fix for a lazy guy like me!! Then he tells me about some of the complications that might arise from the medicine. The usual stuff (upset stomach, nausea, blah blah blah). Then he starts rattling off some of the more "rare" side effects. Facial tics. Hand and lip tremors. Eye twitching. Huh... doesn't sound so fun now. Then he starts getting into the more "serious but more rare" side effects. Involuntary facial contortions... some of which may become a permanent problem (I'm guessing he meant the occurrence of having the contortions, although a permanent facial contortion might be fun at weddings and birthday parties for small children). He went on about a few more that I'm guessing my mind blanked out for my own well being, but the best one was something along the lines of having your head snap, from time to time, completely to the side in an involuntary gesture. Wow... how cool would THAT be at a family gathering? If nothing else, that'd be one way of getting door-to-door peddlers off my property. When he told me this, I immediately thought of Beetlejuice where his head comes off, spins around, and then he mutters "don't you hate it when that happens?"

Sadly,I figured that I have enough neurological issues as it is and passed on trying this medication. And they're worried about kids taking Oxycontin for a ride...