...

The longer I live in this world, the less passionate that I become about it. It is kind of ironic that one can become more Spiritual in one sense while losing "spirit" in the other. I'm not sure that all of this is a good thing.

...slipstream...

Is loneliness an affliction or a constant companion... one who will never leave your side even when the going gets good. How often does it seem that an individual can pull themselves into the heart of a pulsating throb of people and feel like the they are all alone on the world? I know that I have felt like that; I've felt like that often. As a child I hated feeling that way... feeling that my disability gave me no other choice but to scramble over the dirt and rocks of the morbidly dividing trench that my differences created for me just so I could partially wedge myself into the social stratosphere (and how ironic, a social circle that I now care less for?). How strange that I'd take loneliness by the hand like a fretful lover... one I needed near me but was ashamed to become passionate with. How ironic that in a time that I should have felt that four years of my life had become nothing but a split second of divinity, I carried the hallelujahs of an emotional scar that ran deeper and wider than any that I had experienced in an anesthetized stupor of hope for a better "tomorrow."

But perhaps that's our greatest fear and most humbling element. A smart man once said "when this fleeting limelight fades and we're alone again, who's Name will your heart speak?" My question is how will He respond... and who will be there to muffle the sound?

The last Monday musings for 2008.

Scatter-brained thoughts this morning. Thinking about a lot of things lately. Grateful for old friends and the ties that time bind tightly though the distance may be far. I am very thankful for the opportunity to get to know Julie better and I'm very happy to see that THEY are very happy. She's awesome in so many ways and made me feel like an old friend of HERS, too, just because I visiting them this weekend. I would have liked to left the Sommet Center with a Wings victory, but what can you do. Brian and I did our part to be obnoxious Wings fans. Long drive there and back but really didn't seem all that bad. I prefer the mountains of NC and TN to those of WV and VA.... not as long or something. Less steep, maybe? Currently listening to The Prayer Chain's "Sky High" and musing that one man's praise music may not be another man's praise music. Church-led praise music set to a slideshow often does nothing for me, but this song and several of Stavesacre's will cut to the bone and pierce my heart each time I listen to them. "You've seen the water drop from behind my fisted eyes, now hear the cries of the Salton spies, sing about rolling sky highs." Poetry. How many times has the Lord nailed me to the core and reduced me to pure emotion, making me emotionally wobbly yet cleaned pure (if only for a moment). Often, I AM that guy with the water dropping from behind fisted eyes and I need to embrace the power that that humility can bring forth. God has brought a lot of change in my heart this past year and I look forward to see where it's headed when the calendar page flicks off the final time this week....

A Warm Place

Been listening to this song a lot today. Over and over. Man, it still drives a nail of emotion straight into my heart, almost a decade and a half after I had first heard it. Never seen this "official" video before; the only visual representation that I was previously familiar with was the amazing video montage (Trent worked "A Warm Place" and "Hurt" into one amazing song) when I saw NIN back in December of 1994. I can still remember images from off the gigantic screen, this far removed.

It blows me away how music remains (for me at least) an amazing rendition of the fabled "time machine." I can listen to this song and be taken back to my shabby first apartment in college, putting this song on repeat and wondering what the heck I was doing with my life and why my hopes and dreams of what my college experience were inexplicably different for how they turned out. I've often wondered if the music that is being made these days that teens and folks in their early twenties will affect them the way "my music" does to me. I'm not always convinced that being taken back is a good thing... but I suppose anything that makes you feel emotion is good in it's own right...

"Now that I've totally enraged you, can I sell you some religion?"

I just don't get it.

You ring the doorbell once and I don't get it... you should be able to hear my two hysterical dogs going crazy at the door. AFTER you hear me scream from the back of the house "NOT INTERESTED!!!" (mainly because I'm in the middle of changing out of my work clothes and just don't feel like answering the door), you have the audacity to ring my bell a SECOND TIME. (Insert dogs going even more hysterical here)

Then, to blow my mind, you ring it a THIRD time. By now, I'm practically foaming at the mouth... begging for your sake that you're a long-lost northernly friend who's popped south of the Mason-Dixie for a visit or a Federal Agent from the FCC about the flurry of telemarketing calls that I can NOT STOP NO MATTER WHAT I DO!!! But you're not.

SO, to completely blow me out of the water as I try to manage two rabidly barking and curious dogs while opening a heavy front door AND doing all this in a wheelchair (not usually one to throw the gimp factor into anything, but I think this one actually applies) you have the audacity to greet me with a condescending smirk and valueless "HELLO!!!!" (think Jerry Seinfeld) and DARE to try to sell me some crackpot religious gimmick? (Sorry man, your manner of dress and that bright and cheery pamphlet gave it away by a mile and I am most definitely resolute in my Faith enough... if not in my church attendance... to go toe to toe with you in a debate of all things spiritual; trust me, my Dad's a minister).

Yeah. I'm a jerk. I know. Been told that my whole life. But yes... I still will dramatically bellow "WE'RE NOT IN-TER-ESTED" if you come back tomorrow.

"It was 20 years ago tonight..."

http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/story/?id=245714&lid=headline&lpos=topStory_nhl

Sheepishly, I have to admit that I wasn't very aware of this landmark trade that sent Wayne Gretzky to LA. I think in those days I was probably more preoccupied with GI Joe and playing "war" in the field behind our yard. I remember my Dad telling we a few years later (when my interest in hockey began to flourish and my brain was like a sponge) how this trade was sometimes likened to how "Yoko broke up the Beatles." I guess Janet was Yoko and Messier was, um, Paul?

However, the more that I read about it the more that I understand the magnitude of such a trade. The way in which Gretzky is revered around the world as the greatest hockey player that ever lived (I'm skeptical... but that's because I hold a candle for Gordie Howe as the greatest, naturally) and then for THIS to happen... wow, I just can't imagine. I gotta give Wayne credit. The passion that he had for his team and for the city is amazing... something I like personally about Darren McCarty (one of my favorite Red Wings). Kind of makes Chris Pronger's running to the orange fields of Anaheim at his wife's behest seem even more shameful that what I previously thought.

"Did you really wanna talk about the weather, or were you just making conversation?"

Another great line from "Groundhog Day." I've become really sort of mixed on this whole blog thing as it seems that a lot of folks offer up (often trivial... myself included) facts about their lives as reading material. I think another thing that almost bothers me more is that people indicate that they want to discuss some of their deep thoughts and instead they just sort of step on a soapbox and don't wish to interact afterward. With that being said, I really hope you'll consider reading the latest entries to Lindsay's blog and:

http://jimmysgirl409.blogspot.com/

I probably completely messed that up so it's not a hotlink, but I'm hoping you'd take a look. Lindsay and I were discussing something that sort of has irked me for years... the relevancy of "Christian" bookstores and quite often, "Christian" music (though Lindsay isn't as cynical as I am about that). I spent my adolescent years being into Christian rock (or metal, or had rock or whatever) and being a lamb to the slaughter, often buying junk simply because of the label stamped on the cd booklet. Likewise, I often wonder if certain artists really DO need to release an umpteenth collection of jazzed up renditions of old praise and worship songs. But I digress...

Midsummer? Yes. Puck? Yes. Oberon? Yes. Shakespeare? No.

I came across this picture from the following link yesterday while trying to get my fill of offseason hockey information. Supposedly this may be a third jersey that the Carolina Hurricanes will wear beginning this season. I'm pretty pumped; I love black jerseys (my Team Canada Kris Draper jeresy in black is one of my favorites). Personally I would have liked to see some tie-ups in the front to give it more of a classic look, but what are you going to do?

thehockey.blogspot.com/2008/05/possible-canes-third-jersey.html

Supposedly the NHL is going to announce that the Red Wings and the Blackhawks will be playing a Winter Classic (like the one on New Years last year between Buffalo and the Penguins) in Wrigley Field the first day of the new year. How cool is THAT? It had been rumored early that they were going to play in Yankee Stadium but I think choosing Wrigley is a much better idea. I'm not a Yankee's fan by any means (far from i; I pretty much despise them more than any other sports team, even the Predators), but I think it's much more honorable to have the last game played there be a baseball game and not a hockey game...

"If my face violently contorts and my head snaps to the side, don't worry... it's just my stomach medicine."

Had an appt with my gastro doc, who's a pretty impressive dude. He's helped nail down and guide me through a variety of gastro-ills that I've dealt with the greater part of my adult life. Today was essentially a follow-up. An issue that I've been dealing with that bothers me from time-to-time is nighttime regurgitation, especially after being a moron and eating late at night. Lindsay and I have done about all we can... well, let me put it a different way... LINDSAY has done about all SHE can to help remedy the situation (raising the head of the bed up, suggesting that I eat less at night; you know, all good wife stuff). I, being a moron, like to snack late. And I often pay for it. Of course having your esophageal valve essentially eroded away from years of torrid reflux due to a shortened torso from spinal fusion surgery (Thanks, Doc!! You're a GEM!!) can complicate matters, too.

Anyway, I tried a couple of things and they seem to be working (eating my bigger meal at lunch, eating smaller meals) but it's still not exactly cured yet. One thing we're discussing is a nissan fundoplication in which a "new" valve is essentially created by wrapping the stomach around the esophagus or wrapping the esophagus around the stomach (or is it something wrapped around them both?). It could be a very simple procedure, even done laparoscopically... or it might require more intensive surgery. I'm going to do a preliminary barium swallow this Friday, and hopefully see a surgeon for consult before I head back to work in August. I don't imagine that I'd do the surgery until next year, anyway.

But here's the kicker... and where the title of this entry fits in. My doctor begins telling me about this older medication that essentially helps to empty the stomach at a much more rapid pace. Sounds awesome, right? A quick fix for a lazy guy like me!! Then he tells me about some of the complications that might arise from the medicine. The usual stuff (upset stomach, nausea, blah blah blah). Then he starts rattling off some of the more "rare" side effects. Facial tics. Hand and lip tremors. Eye twitching. Huh... doesn't sound so fun now. Then he starts getting into the more "serious but more rare" side effects. Involuntary facial contortions... some of which may become a permanent problem (I'm guessing he meant the occurrence of having the contortions, although a permanent facial contortion might be fun at weddings and birthday parties for small children). He went on about a few more that I'm guessing my mind blanked out for my own well being, but the best one was something along the lines of having your head snap, from time to time, completely to the side in an involuntary gesture. Wow... how cool would THAT be at a family gathering? If nothing else, that'd be one way of getting door-to-door peddlers off my property. When he told me this, I immediately thought of Beetlejuice where his head comes off, spins around, and then he mutters "don't you hate it when that happens?"

Sadly,I figured that I have enough neurological issues as it is and passed on trying this medication. And they're worried about kids taking Oxycontin for a ride...

Running to Stand Still (Part One)

I've been a U2 fan for years and have always enjoyed the song that inspired the title of this posting. On recently has the full impact of what the song means (at least to me) been driven in my skull and my heart.

My wife, Lindsay, and I (along with our two awesome dogs, Aslan and Cheli) recently drove to Michigan to spend two full weeks visiting family and friends. It was a nice change of scenery for me and it was a chance for Lindsay to relax before she plunges full-on into the internship portion of her Fellowship. A trip home is (usually) a healthy thing... though I prefer to do it when the weather is more to my liking (warm with no white precipitation of any form). It has its moments, of course: taking up residence in your parents' den (a den that is essentially foreign to me... as I never actually "lived" in this house as a child) for two weeks will do that to you. God bless my folks and I love them dearly, but the older I get, the older I they get... and I see the changes in their demeanor, accordingly.

Anyway, It was a good time and a great chance to catch up with folks. Sadly we didn't get to make it to South Haven to see a sunset (something I used to love doing back in high school... my buddy Dave and I used to "chase the sunset" and I don't think that we were ever the loser in that contest). However, I'm sure that my stepbrother  and stepfather have more than made up the difference by using their artistic and amazing photographic skills to document that which I have missed. Rob does great stuff. Dad does too. The fact that I mention a trip to South Haven (or lack thereof) is because of what they used to mean to me and my friend. Or at least to me. I'm not sure how Dave reflects on them, if he does at all. Some deep pondering, questioning, philosophizing, and commiserating would often take place. Obviously, we were high school kids so much of our talk would center around girls, college, and whatever else 15-19-year-old guys talk about (Dave was a year older than me, so he had dibs on a license before me).

The way all this ties into the title that I have chosen is because for the first time I've really realized that I have spent so much of my life "running to stand still." There has ALWAYS been a "next" in my life that was on the horizon. I hesitate to say "goal" because I don't know if that term qualifies each of the situations in question, but it works for now. High school? Getting a girlfriend. Graduating from high school. Going to college. Graduating from college (whoops...). Getting a job. Getting married. Having kids. Buying a home... and blah blah blah. The funny thing is, that I really feel that in many ways that seeking "the next" often leaves you feeling sort of stagnant and unappreciative of "the now." And that's sort of how I feel about things in my life at the moment. While I haven't exactly obtained each of those goals (and no kids are on THIS horizon... I'll keep dogs, thank you very much), I most definitely feel sort of in a weird limbo. A void of sorts where I've ratcheted off a succession of chains in my life in the last year ("okay, make it to Spring Break, make it through my evaluation, make it THROUGH the end of the school year, enjoy a trip home, etc., etc) and I just feel sort of in a weird limbo...

And with that said, I'll take a break and LEAVE this in limbo until next time..

A new year.

While this may serve to sound bizarre considering that it is now in February of 2008, I've been thinking a lot about resolutions and changes that I'd like to see made within myself. I'm not exactly why there is a delay in me getting around to it...but I did. Maybe it has to do with careening right smack-dab into January at the tail end of a Holiday Season. On a side note, maybe we here in the US should consider adopting the Chinese Zodiac's New Year...after all, it would allow us the chance to enjoy yet another holiday (and we ALL know how we like holiday$ here in the U$). Additionally, don't most US businesses run on fiscal calendars, instead? But maybe there's something risky by living life away from the actuary tables like Ned "Bing" Ryerson (if you don't know who that is, run out and rent "Groundhog Day." Now.). Anyway, I digress.

So. I must say that I don't really make resolutions. In my opinion, resolutions will be broken and quite often you'll end up feeling guilty for doing so (if you're hyper-analytical like me). I think I tried once or twice to quite smoking as a resolution and probably ended up lighting up in celebration of making that resolution. Yes, I live in a warm ball of hypocrisy. Truth be told, I'd like to see myself a lot thinner and a lot more healthy. The other truth is that I really don't want to put out the effort to do so. Gym memberships are ridiculously expensive...and when you're disabled you'll have an even rougher time of trying to find a gym that is accessible. I sit here firm, proud, confident, and without flinching that I sincerely believe that the Gold's Gym here in High Point, NC (and from discussions with other folks, across the COUNTRY for that matter) was built in complete violation of the ADA. So there's a newsflash for you lawyer-types...wanna make some money, look into what I'm saying here. Anyway, back to what I'm saying. Basically I'm not at a point now where I can make myself motivated to do something with my health. And, as I learned from several meek attempts at quitting smoking in the past, I got want it to make it happen. "You gotta want it, Rita!!" Again, see Groundhog Day...especially since it was 'Hog Day yesterday.

One thing that I really am trying to work is this year in better interaction with the people around me and the people that matter to me. I'm not really sure why this is ever-present in mind these days but I speculate that a full life of people being nasty, mean, rude, or disappointing to me has throttled my mindset right on through the "bitter, bitter, DAMN, I'm bitter" way that I had been festering in my mind most of 2007. It's sort of funny that the older that I get, the less angry that I become but the more let down I become with people. Maybe I'm becoming schmaltzy or maybe I've been broken spiritually. Maybe it's just God's next plan for my life. Either way, I can't help but think it's a good thing.

This is sort of funny to post this because I wonder if I'm setting myself up for failure. Probably. But what the heck....if I can inspire a few folks to help a person or two out in the small way, maybe we can do something to right the wrongs of this world's mentality. If I can inspire myself to see the world as a better place in MY view by helping others, I figure I win as much as those whom I am helping.

"When this fleeting limelight fades..."

End of another work week. Whoopa dee do! Surprisingly it went faster than I thought it would (it looked immense from the other vantage point of Monday).

Naturally, I wake up and my stomach's all a mess. Had some chardonnay last night...wondering if that would do it. With my "issues," it's hard to say...sometimes I think plain old water can send me into gastro-hell. Enough about my cramps...although how often do you hear a guy complain about them?

So Anna Nicole left us this week. Feeling sort of strange about that one. Frankly, I think it's a sad thing and even sadder considering that she lost her son not long before. The thing that really bugs me about the whole affair is how the media is playing it up. I'll be honest...I didn't care for Anna that much. I've never been attracted to Centerfold-type women (fake and phony)...and I most DEFINITELY don't get into the whole celebrity circus. But I have to say that I think it's strangely odd how the same media outlets that were laughing at her apparent drug problems (i.e. that one awards show where she slurred through her speech) and making ratings by doing so are now the ones that are having special reports with titles akin to "The Life of Anna...How We'll Miss Her." (Okay I exaggerated a little, but you can see where I'm coming from). Seems to me that she was a troubled person living a troubling life...despite mucho dinero and many advantages stemming from her celebrity. Makes me wonder who was REALLY "there" for her in those quiet moments that we all get when we NEED some just to be "there." I know that I learned a TON about life and friendship when I went through some of my darkest hours and can confidently say that the Lord can bring the most unexpected "help" when those you thought you could lean on were figuratively and literally miles away.

Anyway...as MUCH as I hate the celebrity circus (my wife will back me up on this one), I hope that Ms. Smith is in a much calmer, safer place.

Ringin' in the New Year.

The year is about to come to and end and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I watched a webcast regarding a poll on what people felt about the upcoming year and was sort of confused that less than 20% felt that 2007 would be a better year (overall) while 80% felt that it would be PERSONALLY a better year. Either that means that folks were going to learn to suck it up in the bitterness of a horrible world...or what I've always suspected in that polls, and with most statistical things, are pointless and contradictory. The jury's still out on that in my book.

What do I think about the transition coming in less than eight hours? I guess The Emperor said it best when he said "So be it, Jedi" (that's more fun to quote than "whatever will be will be." There's no lie...2006 was a rough year, personally. I struggled with issues at my place of employment (some of which have been remedied, Thank God) and most notably had a series of bad luck with my health this Fall. I guess in light of that, I'm most hopeful for a HEALTHY 2007.

But in retrospect, I need to remain thankful for the good stuff of 06. Lindsay and I still have our modest, but lovely home. The dogs are healthy and doing well and keeping us laughing and busy. We had a couple of nice trips under our belt; my catching a Tigers' game at Comerica Park for the first time was most exciting. And as funny as it sounds (I'll deny it to anyone), it was nice to see the in laws move within a five hour radius...as opposed to 12 or more. It's nice to know that there's someone relatively close in case anything major happens.

Sadly, though...I'll miss Grandma...who passed in October. She was an amazing woman and truly a unique treasure and sometimes I wish that I was a "closer" grandson to her (though communicating with her since her stroke almost two years ago made things difficult). I truly believe that God's will was accomplished in her life (and what a long and amazing one she had!) and I hope that I can say the same when it's my time to go.

So...I guess it's time to soldier forth into a new year. Funny how they just seem to go by faster as you get older (celebrating 2004-to-'5 didn't seem that long ago...nor did 1996-to-97 either). I guess I can't say that I have any other predictions...other than..."it's a new year." Let's hope it's a good one.

Hoping for "Most Dropped Calls"

Okay. I hate to admit it, but I do own a cellphone.

I hate the things...have for many years. I think when I got my first one somewhere back soon after we were married, I thought it was pretty cool. Well, actually playing the game "Snake" on the phone was cool (very reminiscent of a fondly remembered game called "Snafu" on my ancient Intellivision system). Anyway, we burned out that contract and got another one...carrying those down with us to North Carolina. Didn't have a load of problems with the phones in the apartment, but the reception at our house was essentially nil (unless you enjoyed going outside for every long distance call you'd ever make).

So our contracts lapsed and we opted to not resign. A year or two passed and Lindsay was going to do some traveling out of state without me and we considered getting a cellphone for safety's sake. As we looked into prepaid dealies and the like, we figured we might as well get two of them for us to have at all times. My major accident this past January was a big proponent for me coming around...that was sort of rough having to use the other person's phone to track down Lindsay and whomever else I needed to contact on MY behalf of the situation.

I was still a little hesitant, remembering what I DO not like about cellphones. I've never enjoyed the image...mainly unimportant people yapping about unimportant pap in the most public of places. Frankly if your Aunt Betty is having diarrhea issues, I don't need to know about it while I'm ordering my cafe' mocha, thank you very much. The second thing that bothers me (almost more than the first) is what HAPPENS TO PEOPLE when they have a cellphone at their disposal. I'm talking about what I call "talking to talk." My wife hates it when I refer to it as that...but that's about the nicest way I can put it.

You may or may not know what I mean. Someone calls you up and just sort of "is there" on the phone. "Calling to say 'Hi'" they say but then they don't carry on the conversation...usually deferring the weight of it to you by asking "so...what are you doing?" This is the point at which I feel like I should be doing something fantastic like "rewiring the house" or "using a kayak to get down the river here" because, if I don't, the response is generally little more than "oh." "Oh" is a hard line to build a conversation on.

Generally about this time the other person sort of drifts off and the two of us sit there, kind of wondering where the call should be going at this point. This drives me crazy...I've always been of the mind that if you're going to call, have a good point. If you're calling to tell me that you'll "be home in five minutes"...that's awesome, I love you, and we'll see you then. It's not that I don't love you, but I really don't know to make "I just folded the towels" exciting. The person that I'm referring to, ahem, is not alone in this...(hopefully that'll save me). I know for a fact that she's gotten calls from someone that have essentially equated to "I met the third cousin of a girl that you went to third grade with at Walmart last week."

So...despite us having Cingular with the "fewest dropped calls" (I can personally vouch for that...you can't even get a call THROUGH first, so a chance of it being dropped is null and void, it's such a lousy service), maybe that idea isn't that bad off, after all.

Seven weird habits/things about me.

7 weird habits/things about me (taken from my submission to another blogging/social site):

1) I go through "phases." My phases generally are periods of time where I collect things of a specific nature, although they also be phases of things that I do for entertainment...and even sometimes what food or drinks that I will consume. Items that I've collected during these phases (in the last six or seven years) have included gargoyle/dragons, memorabilia from the late great band Faith No More (including subway posters from the UK and a picture signed by the band during their "The Real Thing" era), Star Wars figures (mostly from the revival in the mid 90s through the "Attack of the Clones" offerings), hockey jerseys (personalized, preferred, with a player's name on the back), and most recently, hockey pucks. Drink-wise, I'm currently on a "triple venti nonfat cappuccino with one pump of peppermint syrup" kick. I recently dropped the "slightly dry" modification because I've found that Starbucks never seems to know what I mean by "slightly dry." I'm currently NOT on a Panera Bread sesame seed bagel, not toasted, with tomato basil cream cheese kick...but that was the last one (and before that it was an asiago bagel with veggie cheese)...so I guess my current "food phase" is NOT stopping at least three times a week at Panera for a bagel. And lastly, I'm currently not on a "reading" kick...but I'm sure I will be once I get some book money after the holidays. I've often been curious why I am this way, but I really don't have any solid leads. The "buying and collecting" things I suspect has to do with my childhood relationship with my father. I would often try to convince him into buying some kind of trinket when I'd visit him and we be out doing something. My mother used to speculate that it was because I knew that he WOULD buy me what I wanted, but I speculate that a lot of it was that I was trying to fill that empty spot of not having him around in my daily life...thus I'd have an "object" with me everyday that somehow was a reflection of our time together. Deep huh?

2) I refuse to turn left onto a busy road where there is no stoplight. I will go out of my way to avoid having to do this...sometimes circumventing an entire city block JUST to avoid having to do so. Lindsay will back me up on this as it drives her crazy. I have no real reason for why I DON'T do this, other than I just don't enjoy doing it. Just one of those things I get paranoid about, I guess.

3) My dream vacation would be to drive across America and do it at a leisurely pace. I honestly would not want to do it in an RV or anything like that, preferring to keep to a comfortable but economical car. I also would not want to do the camping thing, because personally I'd like to have at least SOME comfort along the trip...preferring to stay at a motel each night. I would try to spread it out as best as I could, visiting nooks and crannies along the way, but with the "Mother Road" of Route 66 bridging the two coasts (well, Chicago's SORT of a coast) along the way. I'd bring along a camera (nothing fancy and frankly I wouldn't try to get all artsy during and afterward) and take a lot of pictures...but frankly I think it would be cool to just see how people LIVE across this country. You know, see what it'd be like to stay in a remote farmhouse in Kansas or see what it would be like to stay in the French Quarter of New Orleans and NOT take part in the touristy stuff. So many "road purists" seem to focus on the natural beauty of this country (which is all well and good....), but I think it would be a rewarding experience to just see how people "live." Not sure why I feel that way, but I do. I'd love to have Lindsay and the dogs come along...but I'm not sure that the wife would be as keen on that one.

4) I struggle a lot with my identity as a Christian "by Faith"...but not "by membership." I'm not a churchgoer. I don't know that I've been to one since the spring (and even then it was spotty). It would be easy to cop-out and say that it's because I was made to go as a kid or something along those lines, but that would be a lie. A lot of it, when I think about it, has to do with the things that I've seen and witnessed going on in the church that has made me skeptical about "church" itself. An example would be the church that I just made mention to...we've gotten letters asking us to pitch in for "staff appreciation" but we've never gotten one call about why we don't go there any more. The church before that was even worse...sending offering envelopes in MY name when I wasn't even a member there (Lindsay joined), and they did so for years after we hadn't gone there. Again, no Pastor called to ask why we weren't attending or to see if there had been any crises had arisen. However, despite all of that, I have an unwavering Faith that goes beyond all rationality (I pride myself on thinking too much...therefore I'm amazed at how resolute my Faith has remained despite much in my life that I've personally experienced or witnessed). But, being a Christian by Faith and not by Membership isn't always an easy thing and I hope that at some point I will find a church that I can feel comfortable being a part of and I do feel that if it's God's will that I will indeed find that church. That's probably a very controversial look on things, but it's something I believe truly.

5) Like Ed, I'd probably surprise some folks by admitting that I'm actually fairly shy. I get fired up about a lot of things and often put my foot in my mouth...but more often than not after one of those episodes, I end up ruing something I said and feel guilty about it for a long time afterward. I guess I just struggle with foot-in-mouth disease that comes with the side effect of guilt. There have been several instances in my life that I can think back on even now and be both proud that I stood up for myself...but also still feel a little ashamed that I hurt the other person's feelings in the process.

6) I'm not sure what I would say if given the chance to live "anywhere" in world. Lindsay told me the other day that I wouldn't be happy if we lived in a nice house right on Palm Beach...and I wonder if there's some truth to it. I know I'd like to live somewhere where it's warm a lot...but I don't know that that would be "enough." It's funny, but I struggle with that a lot even living here in North Carolina. I miss the heck out of a lot of things in Michigan, but I would never move back now that I've escape the harsh winters. On the other hand, I really enjoy living here in NC, but I often feel truly "displaced" in terms of how I was brought up and lived for most of my life. There truly IS a difference in living in the North as opposed to the South...and much of it is subtle.

7) I have a weird aversion to talking on the phone. I always have had this. I can talk for hours with maybe on or two friends, but that's about it. Order a pizza? Is Lindsay around to do it? Complain about an error on a bill? Again...see if Lindsay will do it. My mom once said that my dad was the same way...maybe it's a thing of nature. But I really don't enjoy talking on the phone. I don't know if it's because I can't see the person face to face to read body language or what, but it just gives me the heebie-jeebies. Now, if you've gotten me on a platitude about what I think about health care coverage for the disabled in the United States, then you've got me screaming into the phone for a good 60 minutes at minimum....

Holidays, health, and happiness.

I realized, which much chagrin, that the holidays just aren't what they used to be. The "magic" seems to be dwindling to the point that it's teetering on the brink of nonexistence. Now don't get me wrong, I understand the IMPORTANCE of the holidays...and I refer to the importance of the REAL reason we (well, at least those of us that believe that Christ is King) celebrate Christmas. No, I don't mean the fluffy, pseudo-spiritual, "kindness, sharing, and helping your fellow man/woman." That's awesome stuff...but it shouldn't be regulated to only during the holidays, should it? No...I'm referring to the birth of Christ and the significance of God's gift in Him.

But I'm getting sidetracked down a path of ministry here (I'll leave that to my Dad...it's literally his job). I suppose the idea of Ol' St. Nick was a large part of the charge of Christmas when you're a kid. I mean, c'mon...there's no denying it's pretty awesome to wake up and just be GIVEN a bunch of stuff that you want, right? And you can't deny that the ideas of flying reindeer, magical slips up and down chimneys, and sleighs that somehow regret space and time isn't cool.

Friday night reflections.

Another work week is over. Seemed like a long one, too. Could be because it was the first "full week" in about a month. Could also be because I had been to yet another doctor's appointment that I came out feeling just WEIRD about. Could also be because I'm about sick of the medical field.

How come it seems that these days you go to the doctor, speak with them for five minutes, they throw some samples at you, schedule you to see a specialist, and throw you out the door? Wasn't there a time when doctor's actually took the TIME to care for you? Don't get me wrong...I actually like my doctor very much, but I'm just blown away how things have seem to become DIFFERENT since I was a young kid dealing with Spina Bifida and all its wonderful glories. It just seems odd that I go in about a pressure sore on my knee...and the doctor schedules me to go to a wound clinic at a hospital. I sort of felt like saying "okay, so you can't take care of it...that means no charge for the appointment, right?" I mean, come on... The other real beef of mine is that I'm informed that someone "from (their) office" would be scheduling the appointment. I thought immediately to myself "yep...it's going to be totally in the middle of the day and I'm going to have to miss at least a half day of work...after an already trying semester at school where I missed a lot of work for two separate illnesses." Sure enough, I get the call that it's in the middle of the morning on a workday. Apparently I'm not intelligent enough to make appointments.

Sunday reflections.

Sunday morning once again. Lindsay's out working her second job and making a rough go at it. I'm struggling, too, but for a different reason. I'm a few more days "clean" and feeling just sort of strange, but better. Feel like I'm breathing better...but I could be tricky myself into believing that hogwash. Yesterday was most definitely a struggle with the feeling of being lightheaded. Today's more of a struggle with trying to occupy myself...hence, here I am. Just wanting "one smoke" seems more enticing as the day goes on.

Ugh...a nice small break is now over...well, in about 18 hours or so. It was a good one...had some time to myself (and the dogs), although it was tough having Lindsay gone for a couple of days. You really realize how much you miss someone being around when you're gone and have become a hermit of sorts. Trips to Starbucks with dog in tow aren't really "adventures out into the real world."

Anyway, the holiday stretch begins. What...3 1/2 weeks until break? That'll be a nice thing. Not sure if we're making the "big haul" north or south this year, but hopefully we'll get some mad lounging in...whatever we do. Of course, in the meantime we can be frantic and worried about the "joys" of shopping for others with a tight budget. Isn't there a way we could convince all our family and friends to revert to the "real" meaning of Christmas?

"I quit"

Here I go again...quitting the wicked (legal) weed. I'm about 42 hours "sober" on this, my latest attempt, at quitting.

Feeling good about it, more or less. Yesterday was a struggle...even tried to get "just one" smoke from the neighbor across the street (for some reason, that was more "okay" in my mind that going out to buy a pack). I'm feeling a little bit more cool with everything, although it was a little rough letting the dogs out and not having my usual "greet the morning" smoke.

I think that is what will be the hardest...the habitual stuff. It was the hardest stuff to overcome before. That early monrning smoke....that first smoke while driving to work...those chain-smoking spurts on the long hauls up north. Those are where it'll be killer. Which is actually kind of ironic (or maybe not so) in the fact that many of those situations are what got me smoking in the FIRST place. When you work crappy jobs that you despise, a smoke break becomes a respite...even if you aren't a smoker (per se). You find the more you hate that job, the more you don't mind becoming a smoker. A ten minute break outside your workplace during a fierce Michigan blizzard while smoking a bummed Virginia Slim MENTHOL cigarrette is a nice diversion compared to being inside and selling your soul for a lousy paycheck. Hence, smoking becomes a comfort. ..just as it can be a traveling companion during late night trips from the heart of Corn Country Illinois to Chicago's Sterile Suburbia.

It's weird that as I write this, I really come to grips with that fact that smoking really was associated with many of the hardest times in my life. Thus maybe quitting isn't just a physical health move--maybe it's an emotionally beneficial one as well.